How to Step into Any Situation with Confidence

Do any of the following cause you anxiety?

Working the room at a cocktail party...
Connecting with others at networking events...
Starting a conversation with someone you find attractive...

I know they have for me - but nowadays they do not. It simply no longer comes to mind because I get over myself.

Yep, got over myself.

The issue with social situations isn't how ready we are or how not ready we are - it's really about how we feel about ourselves.

Yep, how we feel about ourselves.

The fear of being judged is not a fear, it's a  fact - people judge us everyday when they form a first impression about us, opinion about what we say or make assumptions about who we are.

We can get real deep into our heads and over-think what other think of us, or we can get onto living our lives, in our own world.

In fact, your own world can be a very pleasant place - I know mine is!

So, my advice to stepping into any situation with confidence is to feel comfortable in your own world. The only person that can take away your confidence is yourself - not the crowd of people or any situation that awaits you.

Reasons to Push Past Your Comfort Zone

Pushing past my comfort zone is about challenging my fears and re-defining what's possible for myself. For example, rather than avoid an uncomfortable conversation, how could I change my attitude towards it so that I can both have the conversation and have it feel comfortable instead?

I find little exercises like this useful for thinking outside the box. It's easy to get set in our ways and believe that certain people and situations will never change. I still struggle with that like everyone else, but it doesn't mean we don't take the initiative to create change.

Applying this to social skills, how can we challenge ourselves to push past our comfort zones in a positive and productive fashion?

One of the first things I do is to challenge my assumptions, especially what other people or society at large may think about what I say, do or feel. It's not an excuse to fly off the handle but to re-think how the idea of what others may think might be influencing your behavior.

For example, I dislike sitting in traffic, like big time. It feels like life is passing without me, and I'm sitting there doing nothing. Nothing. And to make matters worse, I'm contributing to green house gas emissions by sitting in an inefficient, idling car. (sorry, I write about sustainability on my other website so here's my chance to rant).

So how do I turn this around into something positive? First, challenge the assumption of having to go home after work. There's no rule stating that we have to go home after work, sit on the couch and drink beer all night (for us guys, anyway - women may have a different routine).

Rather than sit in traffic then sit at home, I ignore what most people do after work and choose to go to the gym instead. After that, I might meet up with friends near my office or hit the local bookstore or cafe to get some work done. I might even run errands or go grocery shopping.

That's all productive time while the freeways are clogging with traffic. It's a simple solution stemming from re-thinking the assumption that we have to go home after work.

Another reason to challenge our fears and assumptions is that it helps us take the bull by the horns. It's like accomplishing a long sought-after goal - it's empowering and reminds us of our true potential. When we know our fear, challenge it and overcome it, then other mountains start to look like molehills too.

Finally, challenging fears helps keep the mind flexible - we think more often outside the box and come up with creative ways to situations we want to put in our favor. The best way is to start small so if you don't floss enough then what's stopping you from doing it? Challenge the small, nagging things first then work up to fears that may be holding you back from bigger, better things.

Lessons We Can Learn from the Disaster in Haiti

The disaster in Haiti this week can mean more than just a headline to us - for me, it was a lesson in empathy.

Prior to the earthquake, I heard about the ongoing UN aid efforts in Haiti led by President Clinton, and I was moved by the reports of wide spread poverty, hunger and civil unrest in the area.

So when the news of the disaster broke, I decided to take action by doing my research on how best to help (donating was recommended by numerous officials as being the most effective) and making an online donation to the Red Cross. Although it was only a modest donation, I did what I could, within my ability, to help the situation.

Next, I updated my facebook profile and wrote an email to my contacts with info on how to donate.

I'm sharing this story not only because it's been on my mind this week but also as an example of how we can choose to take action rather than let important causes turn into another headline. It's been a topic of conversation for me to share with people.

I wanted to mobilize the people in my network and raise awareness on the situation in Haiti, but we can do the same with any cause we find important. I've been interested in topics involving the environment, specifically green building and sustainability, and researching ways on how to help (more on that soon).

In conclusion, social skills can help us further a cause we believe in and change the world in our own ways. It's not about how much change we can create, but what we can do within our means and taking action to achieve it.

Being Practical while Fulfilling a Greater Need

I recalled an article by Tynan from a while back titled, "The Most Important Thing in the World" - it resonates with me because behind all the cool things that social skills help us do, it really revolves caring about others.

On some level, whenever we network, socialize or flirt with someone, we connect with them on some level. We may give it different names but at the root is the process of finding common ground and appreciating it.

Success breeds more success, so I've used this appreciation of connecting with others to my advantage by being grounded and genuine, which brings more interesting people and experiences in my life.

Ever wonder have things work out in your favor even though you hadn't planned on it? I believe our minds work best when they're open the possibility rather than narrowed by expectation on outcomes.

People are dynamic and unpredictable: it's what makes meeting them such an interesting process. We never know what we'll learn or how a relationship will develop.

 

Ice Breakers & How to Make Small Talk

The ability to make small talk is always useful, no matter what situation we're in.

Whether we're waiting in line, socializing at a cocktail party or making new acquaintances, ice breakers and small talk at the bridge to forming new relationships.

The best way to begin is to treat strangers as a friend: ask them how they are, how their day is going, etc. It's easy to treat stranger as strangers without acknowledging that you may have things in common with them.

Of course, some people will open up more than others, and it's important to not take things personally. It's easy to get hung up on how someone responded or what they said.

But small talk is really about opening yourself up to meeting new people and making new friends. It's a vastly important skill such a writing or public speaking - we all know that developing these skills will improve our lives yet hesitate or procrastinate out of the fear of failure.

I think the upside of developing our small talking ability is huge - we can expand our network everyday to help us out in ways even we cannot predict. For example, I meeting people who end up knowing friends of mine on a regular basis here in Northern California - it's a big city, but really we tend to run in small circles.

I see the positive in finding common ground with another person - there's something cool about liking the same sports team, attending the same college or living in the same city. There's tons of details to exchange with the other person and a lot to learn if we choose to listen.

So when we're talking with that other person, it often helps to listen to them and ask informed questions. Be interested in the topic and ask questions that steer the conversation in that direction. So if you and your neighbor both like the local baseball team, then maybe ask questions about why and how they got into following the team rather than generic questions such as favorite players or statistics.

An important ingredient in small talk is the emotional content. Making the other person feel comfortable, welcome and understood are huge - these are all basic needs we crave. We all want to feel listened to and feel connected with the people in our community.

We all have different ways of communicating with our body language and facial expressions, but a couple stand out as universal: smiling, eye contact and relaxed body language. Imagine how warm, expressive and open we are towards people we admire or adore. We naturally extend our smile, gaze and body language to them - it's unconscious because we want to welcome them.

Although it may not be appropriate to apply all these behaviors to people we just met, we can welcome people in a similar manner with a genuine smile, eye contact and relaxed posture. We all know people who do this naturally and with ease - it come down to our attitude about being open-minded and unguarded in social situations.

Those who make friends easily usually have a healthy perception about people they've just met and treat people as people, not strangers vs. friends. As we grow older, it's easy to put up walls "protecting" us against strangers who may do us harm. But really, it's the meaning we place on words and reactions that is the real harm.

Finally, I realize we're all individuals and have different ways of expressing ourselves, so developing small talk means making relative progress to where ever you're at. If you're normally outgoing, then push the envelope and try a new activity or hobby for meeting new people. But if you're only used to talking to people you know, then smart small with people in your community or co-workers you should get to know better.

I know from experience that developing small has been an invaluable skill and one I always wish to do more of. It seems hard at first to come out of the comfort zone but one that opens many doors both through the people you meet and the person you become in the process.