Whether we're waiting in line, socializing at a cocktail party or making new acquaintances, ice breakers and small talk at the bridge to forming new relationships.
The best way to begin is to treat strangers as a friend: ask them how they are, how their day is going, etc. It's easy to treat stranger as strangers without acknowledging that you may have things in common with them.
Of course, some people will open up more than others, and it's important to not take things personally. It's easy to get hung up on how someone responded or what they said.
But small talk is really about opening yourself up to meeting new people and making new friends. It's a vastly important skill such a writing or public speaking - we all know that developing these skills will improve our lives yet hesitate or procrastinate out of the fear of failure.
I think the upside of developing our small talking ability is huge - we can expand our network everyday to help us out in ways even we cannot predict. For example, I meeting people who end up knowing friends of mine on a regular basis here in Northern California - it's a big city, but really we tend to run in small circles.
I see the positive in finding common ground with another person - there's something cool about liking the same sports team, attending the same college or living in the same city. There's tons of details to exchange with the other person and a lot to learn if we choose to listen.
So when we're talking with that other person, it often helps to listen to them and ask informed questions. Be interested in the topic and ask questions that steer the conversation in that direction. So if you and your neighbor both like the local baseball team, then maybe ask questions about why and how they got into following the team rather than generic questions such as favorite players or statistics.
An important ingredient in small talk is the emotional content. Making the other person feel comfortable, welcome and understood are huge - these are all basic needs we crave. We all want to feel listened to and feel connected with the people in our community.
We all have different ways of communicating with our body language and facial expressions, but a couple stand out as universal: smiling, eye contact and relaxed body language. Imagine how warm, expressive and open we are towards people we admire or adore. We naturally extend our smile, gaze and body language to them - it's unconscious because we want to welcome them.
Although it may not be appropriate to apply all these behaviors to people we just met, we can welcome people in a similar manner with a genuine smile, eye contact and relaxed posture. We all know people who do this naturally and with ease - it come down to our attitude about being open-minded and unguarded in social situations.
Those who make friends easily usually have a healthy perception about people they've just met and treat people as people, not strangers vs. friends. As we grow older, it's easy to put up walls "protecting" us against strangers who may do us harm. But really, it's the meaning we place on words and reactions that is the real harm.
Finally, I realize we're all individuals and have different ways of expressing ourselves, so developing small talk means making relative progress to where ever you're at. If you're normally outgoing, then push the envelope and try a new activity or hobby for meeting new people. But if you're only used to talking to people you know, then smart small with people in your community or co-workers you should get to know better.
I know from experience that developing small has been an invaluable skill and one I always wish to do more of. It seems hard at first to come out of the comfort zone but one that opens many doors both through the people you meet and the person you become in the process.
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